I hate my job. I really fucking hate my job. I really really fucking fucking hate my job. I have been doing it for about 2 years. It sucks. The only thing that doesn’t suck about it is the pay. And that’s why I still work there. 2 years ago I had a job that I liked better, but it didn’t pay nearly as much. I liked how in my previous job, as a delivery driver, that I was out and about. I had some freedom. A large open perimeter where I could more or less manage myself. My absolute favourite part of the job was that when I was finished my route of packages I could go home, and, still get paid the same amount. With this, I had something I could focus on, finishing my task as quickly as possible to gain my reward, going home.
At my factory job, it is the exact opposite. It’s a battle against time, against the unbeatable speed of the clock. It drives me crazy. I don’t like being out of control of myself. I’m anxious, frantic, unsettled, a little crazy. Pretty sure i have adhd. At this job I don’t even really have the option to work really hard and get ahead and relax. The machines run as fast as they run, and when one orders done, another comes. I have little control.
This is really bad for my anxiety. When I’m focused on something, my anxiety goes away. My brain doesn’t have time for anxiety. The task at hand takes up the vast majority of the bandwidth my brain. It’s when my brain wanders that I get anxiety. And my brain wanders the vast majority of the time at this job. It’s boring, and uncontrollable, what else is my brain going to do? Shut off? I can’t do that.
Although, I know some people can. Like most of the zombies that i work with. They are just content letting the clock go by in that…. place. I’m sure it bothers some of them, but I doubt it bothers many or any of them as much as it does me.
I swear this place is going to make me go crazy. Fuck man. But “ohhhh, but your making so much money, how could you quit now?” Is most of what I here about this subject. I definitely am an agreeable person. And this is the main reason I have continued feeling this way at this job for this long.
What I really want it to quit and travel. Go on a huge road trip. Maybe that sounds impulsive and immature, and shortsighted, but it’s what I want. I have more than enough money to go on a huge trip and still have tons of saving left when I get back. I am a saver. I have been my entire working life. And I am young, in my mid 20s. I want a fucking experience. I have little to live for right now.
And I fucking hate my life. And this is practically the only thing in the world that makes me genuinely excited. That makes me want to smile. I think I am going to do it. When? Soon. I could even quit tonight and leave tomorrow, with minimal consequences. I have been fantasizing about it. But I probably won’t. I wouldn’t mind saving a little more and leaving at a slightly better time. But we will see. I could do it right now. We will see how my shift tonight goes. It feels good to have control over something.